HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT IT

How to improve your relationship without talking about it

625 words

According to the authors of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, Patricia Love and Steve Stosny, talking about your relationship will eventually drive you apart. They advise, "You'll never get a closer relationship with your man by talking to him like you talk to one of your girlfriends."

The four ways to connect to a man, they say, are touch, activity, sex and routines.

The truth is out. Talking makes men move away. It's based on biological differences. A woman's vulnerability to anxiety and fear makes her draw closer to her partner, while a man's subtle sensitivity to shame makes his response be to pull away.

This is why a marriage can't be improved through words. It's the stereotype married couples fall into: nagging wife/stonewalling husband.

Talking doesn't really help love it turns out. To improve your marriage, try not to talk.

When you tell your man that the two of you need to sit down and discuss some issues in your relationship, he immediately hears this as criticism and feels shamed.

When was the last time you husband said to you, "Honey, we need to talk?" Really.

Talking about feelings is soothing to women but because of basic differences between the sexes it makes men physically uncomfortable. They act fidgety and women think they're not listening.

The deepest moments of intimacy occur when you're not talking, family counselors say today. And men are better able to stay in the room and listen to women if they don't think they're being blamed for their reactions to the stress of feeling shamed.

Here are some concrete suggestions to improve your relationship without talking about it:

1. Stop all forms of blaming, shaming, or criticizing your partner.

2. Don't wait for your partner to guess what you need. You must learn how to say what it is you need from your partner without inflicting pain on them.

3. Do 3-5 caring behaviors for your partner every day with no strings attached.

Back before your idealized image of your partner was replaced with reality, you probably did dozens of caring behaviors for each other. Start remembering what your partner likes, and start doing it. If you can't remember, ask!

4. Close all exits.

You open an exit in your relationship when you withdraw or place your energy somewhere else instead of telling your partner what you need. You need to get your energy back where it belongs for the relationship to get better. There are many exits. Common exits are affairs, friendships, work, religion, children, alcohol/drugs and hobbies. Try to discuss with your partner, gently in a non-threatening manner, how you can gradually commit to close your exits together.

5. Remember that your partner is not an extension of you.

When we fall in love we feel like we are one. We minimize our differences and ignore that we are two totally separate people. You need to return to being the individual you really are and letting your partner be his own individual. This means spending time apart and having private, alone time to think, grow and create.

6. Become a good listener.

Real listening is hard work and requires discipline and practice. Try to keep quiet and be a good listener. Provide feedback that shows you deeply understand and that you heard what the person was saying clearly.

7. Become the partner you want to have. Turn your critical eye from your partner to you. Don't complain that you don't get your partner's attention. Ask yourself, "If I were my partner, what kind of attention would he want me to pay him?" Then attempt to do it.

As you go about fixing your relationship, don't forget the positive strengths and qualities which brought you together in the first place. You made a decision to spend the rest of your life together. There were some convincing reasons for that decision. Try to remember them and get back.