THE SHY WOMAN'S GUIDE TO FLIRTING, by Maryellen Grady
Are you getting ready to resort to showing a lot of cleavage because you feel invisible and are desperate for some male attention? Don't do it. You really don't want or need that kind of lustful attention and double entendre remarkjs. Really you will feel worse.
Did you really go buy a move-mountains bra to "pull up and separate" as the sales ladies like to describe the manuever with the pointed, stuffed falsies that makes you look like a streetwalker. It is sure to be the wrong kind of attention, and if you haven't learned how to be yourself first, it is like putting a grotesque monster mask on and wondering why you are standing all alone: the three of you--cup DDD, cupDDD and your little unsmiling squeezed up lemon-sucking face. You don't have to be outrageous, dress like you're 15 or go for a lewd persona to get a normal guy's attention.
And the social lubricants won't help much either. They always end up telling the tale on you and your steely-eyed attempts to catch a nice buzz without getting sloppy drunk except that somebody was putting the drinks in front of you too fast. You want to do just enough coke to crack your shell and be social, but soon you are loud, obnoxious, begging to go get more from this guy you met in rehab that you know has really great drugs and then you're trying to tell jokes in accented voices with mannerisms but you keep forgetting the punchlines. When will you learn that the social lubricants only work in the smallest of doses and that's only if you aren't an addict or an alcoholic.
What you do have to do to get the attention of the male of the species is simply act naturally and be yourself. That dude you spotted across the room needs your welcoming smile, a friendly grin or facial expression and some body language that says you're as comfortable as you would be in your backyard hammock drinking a Diet Coke even if it's not true yet. Focus on making it become the truth. Practice that big old fluorescent black light on white teeth smile at home in front of your mirror. Think of last cute child or baby animal or Republican with her foot in her size 10-ish foot in her mouth and smile, smile, smile. Everybody wants that lovely smile directed to them. It draws them in like a searchlight used to draw in drive-in movie viewers.
FORGET THE COMMERCIALS: A BIG OLD SMILE IS MORE WELCOMING THAN THE RIGHT FRAGNANCE
Shy women tends to have small smiles. That is the first thing he's going to respond to: your welcoming face. Put your head up, shoulders back, and think of your Grandma if that's who makes you smile from the inside.
Remember as you become a student of flirting, the very worst that can possibly happen will be that he isn't interested. Would that really be so terrible considering you don't even know him? You may learn you don't care much for him either or that he cleans his fingernails over the dinner table in restaurants and follows that act up by cleaning his ears with a match over dessert.
Here are some really practical, helpful tips. It's not only okay to go out flirting with a friend who is more confident than you, it's a great idea. Watch and learn. Teaming up is not cheating when it comes to flirting. The two of you can walk up to a great looking guy together, and you will find your nerve with her there to go into your
"Didn't I see you last week at Nell's party? I'm sure I did." The quiet mouse will be cracking up the old pro who is watching and waiting like a Mom letting go of the two-wheeler after the training wheels are off.
Or, failing that, if you're kind of straight, simply try, "Hi, I'm Mary Anne. I don't believe we've met." Straight, solid, and easy to try on as flip-flops. Edit as desired and the mood hits.
"Listen, I didn't catch your name... Well, Jim, do you the name of that girl by the door to the women's washroom? She's been just hanging out there for about a half hour. I'm going to go over and see if I can help her loosen up and get comfortable.
You don't? That's okay. I'll get it. Want to come with me?"
Then make a comment--any comment. "I like this bar but I don't come here too often. It's friendly and unpretentious." It's a conversational opener and don't spend the evening in the ladies room mulling over what it should be. This isn't zen. It's simply a woman putting the pollen on her petals where the bee will be sure to see it.
"I quit drinking two months ago and I feel great," is a comment, but so is the less revealing, and safer, "Did you watch Letterman last night? I'm trying to remember the name of the comedian he had on. He was so funny I almost split my slacks laughing."
It let's him know you do have a sense of humor and you can really let go and laugh.
The art of the conversation between two flirting people is like watching two skilled chess players. You can see the future moves being set up by pawns like reaching over and removing a strand of hair from her eyeline or a bold squeeze of a bicep along with some flattery about body building.
When done well it is like watching two very good dancers who are in synch with one another. They lean in together and pull back at similar times. There are many broad smiles and a lot of nodding and laughter. There is an intense focus on each other as though no one else were in the room. There is some very subtle touching. It could be seen as possibly accidental or just friendliness when the small hand with pink nails reaches over to rest on a well-developed bicep during a particularly funny punchline. Then one flirter gets very brave and squeezes a date's hand or even pulls it up to his or her mouth for a slight kiss. This is done while sharing a laugh. You are cheering for such brazen moves in one who had been so obviously paralyzed by shyness and fear. Then her cell phone rings in the middle of the conversation. She drops his hand like it's a cold catfish getting thrown back in as too small and physically moves her entire body further away from his. Cold feet and nervous tension have broken through the lines of the cell phone.
If he responds well to conversation, she can move it up a notch to complimenting. Do you like his hair, eyes, shirt, pants, goofy grin? Compliment whatever is real about him and draws you, but definitely be sincere when you say it so he doesn't think you're a phony.
Next, offer to get him or buy him a drink or a cup of coffee in some circles. "I'm getting some coffee. Can I get you one?"
Have a big, friendly smile planted on your face as you do these things, and you are no doubt getting somewhere. Even if this guy turns out not to be interested, he's done you the favor of helping increase your self-confidence. It's like putting in time at the gym. You put in an hour's worth of learning to act like somebody with self-confidence and high self-esteem. Sure, it's scary. But do you really want to continue to sit around passively hoping somebody will notice you? That's the way to the life as a loner chair.
Learn how to give and receive eye contact. Think of babies playing peek-a-boo. First you look, then you don't. Initiating it is good. Sustained eye contact suggests that you are full of self-confidence. You want to attract someone who will be turned on by your self-confidence--someone who is also happy with themselves.
Another tip for shy girls, and this is important, use props. Man magnets that will call him over to you are certain classy sports paraphernalia, high tech gadgets, or a book you're reading that makes you wish you could find a man reading it or who's even familiar with it. Be imaginative. Don't use a prop strictly to attract though. Be real and be yourself. Use something you really like and enjoy.
Then come the subliminal messages that have to do with being a sexual person. There are plenty of body parts to remind us of sex outside of the obvious ones. Hair reminds us of seeing a sex partner's flip of the head during foreplay. A long exposed neck is sleek and supple and can make you want to run your tongue down it. Simply wetting your lips with your tongue can be as effective as a striptease when it comes to turning up the heat. Don't be afraid to show some skin or flesh in sexy areas that are subtle but convey a strong message. Try to situate yourself to best show off these areas. Men who sit with their legs apart and their hands casually resting on their inner thighs are pointing, consciously or not, to their crotches which can be too much initially.
Practice these movements and conversational inroads and you can become a master flirt never to be a shy gal again.
Remember one thing if you remember nothing else: Be yourself, Do what feels natural. The most exciting conversationalist is simple one who listens with his or her heart until the person feels completely heard. That is such a gift to give to another human being. You don't even need flirting when you're giving tangible and real spiritual gifts of that quality away, Remember something he said that hit you deeply and later ask him a sincere question regarding it because you want to get to know him better.
He might smile at you with his eyes sparkling and feel like you are the woman of his dreams. It's no trick. It's just listening with your whole self.
No comments:
Post a Comment